TURTZED: My Intention
Who are we? How do we show up in the world, and how do we get to where we want to be?
My intention - and my commitment to you - is to show up each week on TURTZED as Charlie, in the buff, failures, belly flops, flaws and all, and to share my journey, share the journey of others I have met along the way, and introduce the modalities that have helped us affect real change in our lives.
I want to create a space where everyone can participate, wherever you are in the world, because the only requirement here is that you show up authentically and precisely as you are, on this day. (No, therapy is not required… but I will always highly recommend it!) Together, we will go on a self-discovery journey, using kind introspection and honest reflection to create a safe place, build a community, find belonging, and challenge our thought processes. With each step toward the light of a more open, honest, and authentic life, we will create a tidal force of deeper connections, and one that will raise all of our boats.
One of the first gifts I received was the book The Way Things Work by David Macaulay and Neil Ardley. Unbeknownst to me, that book would shape how I looked at the outside world and has greatly influenced me throughout my life.
Ironically, despite all the knowledge of the outside world, it provided me no insight into myself. It's only recently that I started to understand how I worked and why, which, for the last 35 years, prevented me from showing up authentically.
At various points in my life, I had so many different versions of myself that I could barely keep track of who I was with different people. The one exception? My colleagues.
At work, I was consistent because I was presented with facts; I could see how things worked and create action plans, making emotionless decisions and achieving goals. Work gave me a sense of purpose; it was addicting and conveniently distracted me from everything else in my life. My self-esteem was directly correlated to the success in my professional life, the plans, execution, and accomplishments. With each goal I achieved, I moved my eyes forward without celebration and looked for the next mountain to climb, the next peak to reach. I pushed myself harder because I convinced myself if I could reach the next summit, the success of business Charlie might finally pour over to personal Charlie, and he too could have the life he dreamed of. I couldn't understand why the opposite was happening; the more business peaks I climbed to, the deeper I fell into the personal valleys, and my self-esteem became a zero-sum game.
Since childhood, my perceived self-esteem and lack of emotions were interpreted as heartless and cold, when in fact, I had more emotions than I knew what to do with - and they scared the shit out of me. I would focus my energy on others' needs and keep my own emotions bottled up. I was afraid I would misdirect my emotions, and I desperately wanted to prevent mine from misfiring because misfired emotions were a big part of my early childhood, so instead, I isolated myself, got quieter, showed less, and continued to feel more and more misunderstood. We know traumas cause pain and take away our sense of safety and power, but they also create a deep sense of shame, and shame is crippling. Throughout the process of reclaiming my power and regaining control of my life, there were countless times when I nearly gave up because the ebbs felt too overwhelming and the flows too out of control, but I've clung on to a sense of the "bigger picture" and "greater purpose," and I believe this - this podcast, website and my services - is it.
I want to define my use of the word trauma throughout my work with you and my upcoming posts and podcasts. The Oxford Dictionary defines trauma as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. It can be physical, mental, or emotional. Each trauma is unique, and each victim is affected differently. What's really important is an understanding that we can not and will not always understand, nor have we lived, another's traumatic experiences. We all feel and experience things uniquely, and there is no code or standardized means of grading, assessing, or understanding what one person experiences as distressing or disturbing. What is really important is that we grow in compassion for it, allow space and understanding for those who have struggled or are struggling with something, and learn as a society and as individuals how to help both ourselves and others through it.
Throughout my own early trauma I would argue with myself that my life was "good enough", that it could have been worse, and I was still one of the lucky ones. All this does is silence feelings, stifle emotion, and trample on one's voice. Just because you can rationalize something away does not diminish the impact it has on you, and doing so will make you feel hopeless.
Somewhere in my own hopelessness, a tiny ember in me repeatedly pushed me to be honest about what wasn't right and where I wanted to be, creating a fire that refused to allow me to give up on myself. So, one step at a time, I climbed closer to finding my voice, my authority, and my autonomy. How? Because each step up was better than where I had been. I sought therapy in 2010 and found an incredible team that met me where I was, really listened, and ultimately saw me for who I was because they gave me the space to be me.
My support system helped me to understand that the trauma I experienced wasn't my fault, to let go of the shame I held on to, and to recognize feelings of intense emotions are likely sparked more by the past than the present. In these emotion-filled moments, pausing and taking a deep breath has helped me to prevent misdirected emotions that cause pain to others and ultimately create new traumas, repeat patterns, and bring more shame to myself. The more I understand the way I work, the more I now believe, for the first time, that I have autonomy and can fight the gravitational pull toward those who will ultimately trigger me. I seek out trustworthy people because feeling seen and heard must be mutual as we share our authenticity and vulnerabilities. These new connections bring new levels of belonging to personal Charlie, allowing business Charlie to take a deep breath and enjoy a healthier balance in achieving goals. Success is no longer needed to maintain my self-worth and as the scales continue to balance between personal and business Charlie, a new chapter has begun.
Simply, Charlie, no caveat.
