Writing My Way Back To Myself
If you had told me a few years ago that I would launch a podcast about feelings, trauma, and healing, I would have laughed and gone back to my sales deck. For most of my life, I chased achievement and control, not authenticity. TURTZED started as a simple idea, but really it is the public record of something much bigger: me finally learning to live as myself.
When Perfection Almost Stopped Episode One
There is a Voltaire quote tattooed on my arm that says perfection is the enemy of the good. I literally hid it under a sweatshirt while I recorded four scripted versions of the first episode, each with dozens of takes. The result sounded polished and completely wrong. So I threw away the script, put my mom and Ed in the next room so I would not feel insane talking to myself, and did what I actually do best. I grabbed the mic and told the truth.
The Shower Floor And The Turning Point
I have been in therapy for about 15 years, but 2021 was different. I found myself on the shower floor, water pouring over me, sobbing so hard I could not breathe. There was a tiny voice inside that said this cannot happen again. That moment did not magically fix my life, but it was the line in the sand where I chose to climb instead of sink.
The Picture In My Head That Was Never Really Mine
For years I chased a story that was not written by me. The forever love, the cars, the kids, the perfect family that would finally prove I was enough. I ignored the part where my parents’ marriage felt more like a psychological thriller than a rom com. My head, heart, and actions were completely out of alignment, and no one could adjust that for me.
Changing My Name To Change My Story
There is power in saying this is who I am and signing it with a name that actually feels like yours. Becoming a Turtz was not about erasing my family, it was about stepping out of the shadow of being only someone’s son. My grandparents’ reactions, the pride and tears, showed me that claiming my identity could be an act of love, not betrayal.
Coming Out As Gay, Then As Fully Me
Telling people I was gay was terrifying, but it was not the full coming out. For a long time I was more afraid of my father’s reaction than my own truth. Eventually I realized that hiding was its own kind of slow death. Today, coming out means something different. It means walking into every room as the same Charlie, not one version for work, one for family, one for myself.
Living With Depression And Choosing To Stay
There were years when I felt like a computer running everyone else’s needs and none of my own. Some days the bravest thing I did was not stand too close to the subway tracks. Panic attacks, an emergency appendectomy on my 27th birthday, and one terrifying walk home finally pushed me to say the quiet part out loud. I needed more help, more tools, more support, not more pretending.
What TURTZED Is Meant To Be
This podcast is not a highlight reel. It is failures, missteps, name changes, coming out stories, depression, and all the messy attempts at living honestly. My hope is that as you listen, you feel a little less alone and a little more willing to tell yourself the truth. You do not need a five year plan. You need one honest step toward who you really are, taken by you, for you.
